Forgive But Don’t Forget
I never liked the adage, “Forgive and forget.” Even when I was very young, intuitively, I knew there was something not quite right about this phrase. What would the harm that is done to us — or the harm we do to others — serve if we are simply to forgive and forget?
Everything has value. Mistakes, oversights, lies, offences, incivilities, failures, betrayals, aggressions, everything! But this is only true when we, the victim and the perpetrator alike, choose to LEARN from the event.
When we realize — or remember — that life is an evolutionary journey, there’s immense personal power to be gained from extracting the lesson from the crap that befalls us and for which forgiveness beckons.
Forgetting a transgression is tantamount to sweeping life under the proverbial rug. We might believe we are choosing to move forward but we are truly putting our head in the sand.
Transgressions are both mirrors of the level of unconsciousness which allowed them to happen as well as invitations to look into those mirrors. In this sense, transgressions are an open door. They invite us to observe and to reflect. To become more aware of ourselves and others. To collect data.
All these are steps in the learning process.
WHAT IS THERE TO LEARN?
When we’ve been the target of a transgression, we can learn so much that will make us grow, awaken from, and even transcend the occurrence.
We might learn to stand up for ourselves.
We might learn to set and communicate better boundaries.
We might learn to say “No!”
We might learn to manage conflict with respect.
We might learn to admit our own shortcomings.
We might learn to be more responsible for our behaviour.
We might learn to be more compassionate.
We might learn to love ourselves.
The list of potential lessons is almost endless.
And the most eloquent aspect to transgressions is that they are always a perfect match to what we are READY to learn or are in most dire NEED to learn.
Forgive? Sure. But to forget the harm without learning from it is a guarantee that it will surface again.
Authored by Marie-Claude Lessard, CEC, PCC, an Executive Coach at FSQ Consulting. An adamant believer that today’s world needs better leaders and entrepreneurs, MC works with individuals whose greatest fear is NOT being, or becoming, that better version of themselves.